Well then... aint life just peachy

   I need you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright...

   So two months ago I started having the same pain in my leg that I had when I was 15. When I was 15 this pain resulted in major back surgery (which is quite uncommon for someone of that age). I got an MRI two months ago and just went yesterday to see the back specialist. He immediately informed me that I was going to need to have emergency surgery and fuse two sections of vertebrae. This means they also are going to be taking a bone graft from my pelvic bone... ouch. I held it together until I made it out of the doctors office and the instant I made it into my car I started bawling. Not just a little cry, but uncontrollable sobbing. I didn't/don't understand why this is happening to me... again. I read my scriptures, say my prayers, brush my teeth, strive really hard to do what is right, and I even stopped school for this semester so I could work full time and earn money for my mission. Due to all the pre-operation stuff my bank account is now... empty. It was a 2,500 down payment just so they could schedule my surgery. To top it all off, I'm out of work for at least three months and for the next six months I cannot bend, lift, or twist.

   My parents said before I quit school that they wanted to help me pay for my mission but I always wanted to pay for it myself.... now they not only have a mission to pay for but a surgery. This isn't just some cheapo same day surgery but I will be in the hospital a minimum of three days... I have wonderful grandparents who said they are going to set aside money for my mission to help me out and honestly it makes me cry just thinking about it. I know how much love my family has for me and it means so much. I have an aunt who my mom said is setting up a fast for our family to help us get through this trial... this is going to be much needed because I'm already emotionally exhausted and I haven't even been stuck at home for three months yet...

   Pretty much I am completely disheartened. I miss my best friend and want him here to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I crave his company too much...

   I just keep telling myself that there is something that I need to learn from this, there is some lesson that I should take from this. My parents keep telling me that the lesson I need to learn is to accept help from others and not try to do everything myself. I'm not too sure this is the lesson... I don't understand why it is a bad thing that I want to pay for my mission myself...

   Sorry I know I try to stay positive all the time but this... this is just too much, I know I will make it through this... I just don't know how.

Road Trip

   This past weekend I went down to Boulder City with Josie Garff. I just love road trips with her! We talk, sing, and go crazy! In Boulder City we did a lot of the same types of things too. I played lots of games, danced(a lot), sang a ton, and hung out with random people a little.

   I loved it! Though I'm 95% sure that I could never live down there. I would get in WAY too much trouble. I wasn't tempted even slightly to do bad stuff but my music choices weren't so hot and the things that went on in conversations I was a part of weren't so good all the time. I mean nothing like I need to repent of it or anything, but just not stuff that brings the spirit. haha anyways... after that little ramble. Let's just say I was seriously ready to head home and go to mission prep. I needed spiritual upliftment. :)

   I am loving mission prep right now! Seriously, I feel the spirit so strong in there and it makes me feel way less overwhelmed about me going on a mission in September. There was also a CES fireside by Elder D. Todd Christofferson, and it was super good. I was really glad I stayed. I am loving my scriptural habits right now, they honestly make me a happier person.

   I pretty much have no life right now. The sad thing is I'm kind of alright with it. I mean besides tonight, I go to bed really early and my body wakes me up before my alarm goes off which is super nice. Some nights, not very often, I get texts asking if I do want to do something and normally I really would just rather stay home. I mean if I get invited I normally always go and enjoy myself but I don't feel bad in the slightest when I don't get invited anywhere. Is that pathetic or what?

   My influx of letters has subsided. :( This actually does make me really sad and lonely. Ever since I was 16 and got my cell phone I have had tons of guy friends to text/talk to. Nothing ever romantic or anything but just that I could talk to(I mean I've only ever kissed 2 guys). Ever since all of my guy friends turned 19 they all left. There is seriously no one left (who is a guy) that I can talk to. It is depressing. I cannot wait until I'm out on a mission so that I will be busy and not at home thinking about receiving letters back. It is honestly so heartbreaking everyday when I go to the mailbox and the only mail I get is bills. Luckily I still get to read the emails of a few of my friends so at least I get to know what's going on with them, even if it's not direct conversation with me. I know that me wanting letters back is extremely selfish because these boys are out serving the Lord and obviously doing it well because they are so busy. I need to just chill and be grateful for what they're out doing.

   I have my back appointment on the 17th, and I am honestly so nervous about it. I don't know what he's going to say about it... I hope whatever it is I can get back to doing Zumba soon... I really miss it! I hate not being able to exercise...

   Oh! When I was in boulder I played this game on the Wii called Just Dance, I'm pretty much in love with it. I'm pretty sure I'm buying it... like tomorrow.

   Well sorry this post is mostly sad... ttfn